All I want for X-mas

It’s been less than 48 hours since I experienced the wrath of my misguided putty knife, but already I have an update. Suzy made me a dentist appointment yesterday to have my incapacitated incisor inspected. So I packed up my purple pickle, and jumped in the truck to have it looked at. After the obligatory explanation was complete, the dentist took a good look at my piehole and told me a few unwarranted mouth related horror stories of her own, all of which made mine sound like a love song. Then she asked “Do you have a few minutes?” I told her I did, and waited for her to come back and discuss my options. She came back a couple minutes later, but instead of options, she had one of those big gnarly Novocain needles and her mad scientist eyeglasses on. “Lets get ya numbed up real quick, and we’ll fix that tooth in no time!” I asked her how she was gonna do that, and she said that she has some crazy space age super composite material that she can use to rebuild my tooth good as new. We’ve all seen those people with screwy teeth that are white on one side, and some other color on the other side. I expressed my concern, but she told me not to worry because it will match perfectly and it will look exactly like it used to. I leaned back and the activity ensued. Hands and tools and faces hovered in and about my face and mouth. Every now and then, she’d grab this weird light pencil thing that shined UV light and made the power in the rest of the building dim while she used it. After a little test biting and fine tuning, she handed me a mirror, and right there, behind the stitched purple pickle, was my tooth……completely unbroken, like nothing ever happened, like time went backwards. I didn’t know you could do that. It reminded me of Star Trek when someone breaks their arm on the holodeck , then the doctor shines a magic light on it and fixes it. Oops, I just exposed my nerdiness.

Kinetic Energy

This weekend I started prepping the outside of my house for painting. The first thing I have to do is replace some mediocre trim with nice fresh boards lovingly sculpted with my own hands. Saturday, I pulled off some trim that capped the brick along the front of the house. Taking the wood off was easy, but where it meets the house there’s a huge 12 year old bead of caulk the width of a thumb that is quite content to stay where it is. I used a utility knife for a while, a scraper for a while, both with some success but neither was ideal for the task. Then I found an old rusty putty knife with potential written all over it. Putty knives have a blunt edge, so in its original form it was pretty much useless, but with a little edge, I knew it would do the trick. I fired up the sander and put a decent edge on it. At first, I wasn’t having much luck, so I went back to the garage and honed the edge a little more. I worked the knife up under the caulk and started pushing and it was working great, it glided relatively smoothly between the wall and the caulk…..one inch…….two inches….. alright this is good, I said to myself, only 12 feet to go. The blade snagged for a second, I worked it past the snag and got into position to keep it going. This is kinda like peeling an apple, it’s most efficient if you keep it in one long strip so you don’t have to start a new cut. I stooped down to put my weight into it and continued pushing…..6 inches….8 inches…. It was hard, but the caulk was coming up clean……10 inches…..keep pushing…….11 inches…….SMACK!

……. Holy Crap what just happened…Ouch! …my mouth has sand in it……what’s this?…..wait a minute whats going on here?……………Oh crap…..blood………..I think I hit myself…..is there a rock in my mouth?…………uhhhhhh……that’s a lot of blood…..whats happening?

I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My mouth and chin were covered with blood, Upon closer inspection I realized that I had a gaping wound below my bottom lip. I opened my mouth and spit out part of my front tooth.

This is what happened: The putty knife slipped as I exerted maximum force, and the kinetic energy stored in my flexed arms and legs, which was intended to release caulk from house, exploded forward and continued along its vector until it would either

A) run out of energy and fall to the ground, or
B) be stopped by another object.

Unfortunately the other object was my face. The putty knife entered my face below my bottom lip, went through into my mouth then smacked into my front tooth.

Today I have 5 stitches below the purple pickle once known as my bottom lip, and a busted tooth Billy Bob smile from Hell. I took the pain pills and watched ”Anger Management” when I got home from the hospital, but I needed a towel because every time I laughed, blood would run down my chin.

This Blog entry is brought to you by Hydrocodone, keeping America numb

No one came

Jive Market was asked a few months back to devote our time and music to a charity music festival to benefit the Northwest Arkansas Mid-Wives Association. Being the unselfish bunch that we are, we agreed to participate, and showed up promptly last Saturday for the grand event. As we pulled up to the gate, a tumbleweed bounced across the road in front of my truck. We drove across empty fields to unload our equipment at the stage, and heard a band playing in the barn. We parked and entered the barn to join the fun. When we passed through the door, the population doubled instantly.....one band onstage and one band watching them. No one else was there. Eventually a group af about 10 people showed up, but they were the ones who had organized the event, so they didn't really count. We set up our equipment on the tiny stage and started to play with the other band for an audience. We kicked butt, and we had fun, and so did everyone who came. It was weird.......

WEEN

Last night I went to a Ween show and it was killer. They started right up with the good stuff: Piss up a rope, Mister wont you please help my pony, Roses are Free, Mutilated Lips, Exactly where I'm at, The Golden Eel, Take me Away. Man it was awesome. Then they stared playing good stuff I'd never heard. The best part was a rippin version of Voodoo Lady with a gnarly jam all up the middle. It was a funny crowd too. I liked looking back and seeing hundreds of mouths singing Ween songs in unison. They finished up with a super skanky version of LMLYP, and a bunch of ladies went up on stage and shook their groove thangs. They stopped too damn early, but I still give'em 3 thumbs up.......no, make it 3 middle fingers up. Hooray for Ween!

To post or not to post

If you are reading this, please post a comment. You can call me a punk, tell me this blog sucks, cuss like a sailor, or tell me a story. You can post a haiku or a link. you can put in fake e-mail addresses and lead me astray, you can tell me what you hate or what you love. You can tell me who the best band in the world is or just type random letters on your keyboard. Please do one of the above, so I can decide whether to ditch the comments or keep them.

the wrod as a wlohe.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in
waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht
the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,
but the wrod as a wlohe.

flappity flappity flap

sheesh.......I need to get off the Radiohead wagon for now and and catch a ride on the Weenmobile. I’m still swimmin in the clouds, but since I’ll be enjoying the presence of Ween in 2 days, I’m coming way back down to the brown ground and wallerin’ in exactly where I’m at. Look at my lips, they look just like 2 flaps of fat...they go front and back and flappity flappity flap.

Hail to the Thief

OK......I finally stopped listening to “KID A” over and over again, but its only because I got a copy of “Hail to the Thief” by Radiohead. There's an awesome chemistry between these guys...each individual part floats in perfect juxtaposition to the rest. Radiohead puts a new face on the word ethereal. Instead of a peaceful contented face drifting through white puffy clouds, this one smirks and grimaces (and occasionally offers you a high five)

The Cardiologists Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. After the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. One of the mourners burst into laughter. With all eyes staring at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

Then, the proctologist fainted.

September

There’s a smell in the air today...it’s that rare and special smell that you only get a few times a year. It smells like fall is coming..........It’s kind of a combination of a smell, a temperature, a sense of relief and a sense of anticipation.... all rolled up into a ball of totally groovy feelings that stem from the wondrous and unencumbered feelings of joy I felt on similar days as a child. It’s a feeling that reminds me of bus stops, and fresh days in new classes, with new clothes and new books... flags waving against crisp blue skies and a shiny new key around my neck.

Everything in its Right Place

It’s been quite a while, but it’s happening again. It hasn’t happened since Lateralus. A CD has taken over my mind. It’s spiraling through my head when I go to sleep and when I wake up. It’s washing over me and cleansing my stagnant conceptions of time, space and sound. I can’t stop listening to Kid A.