Office Food Day

Today is the day that everyone brings food to the office for a pre-Thanksgiving feast. There’s a giant table about 20 feet from my mouth that is spilling over with plates of cookies, crackers, brownies and cheeses. There are pans full of casseroles, meat, and cakes, bowls full of dips, bags full of chips, crockpots full of soups, little sausages, chili, and cheese dip. There are boxes of donuts and jars full of salsa. The most notable items at the table, however, are the people. How people behave in this situation reveals a lot about them.

The grazers: These folks go to the table intermittently and walk away from the table with their mouths full. These people tend to actually get work done, despite the constant distractions.

The pickers: These people look at every option with intense scrutiny and walk away with only a carrot and a brownie.

The gatherers: People in this category grab a spoon and start shoveling everything within reach onto their tiny Styrofoam plate until it reaches its maximum capacity. This occurs when the height of the food pile is equal to the radius of the plate, and when achieved, results in a perfect multi-colored hemisphere. Their goal is to have some of everything available before the day is done. These guys like to stand in the middle of the office while eating their mound of food, and have no chance of accomplishing anything today.

The hostesses: These people hover around the table and describe each item to food-getters. Like a helpful waitress, they know who brought each item, what it’s called, and how it was prepared. They constantly point out dishes which might be overlooked, and make sure everyone has the proper utensils for each food item. They are constantly stirring the food in the crock pots, and re-covering the dips after a careless dip-getter leaves the table.

The guards or Sergeants-at-arms: They remain stationed at or near the table at all times. These folks seem to have memorized everything that each person has eaten, and they taunt and harass people who exceed their “fair share” of the most desirable items at the table. They also ridicule the people from other parts of the facility, who have followed their noses to the table and helped themselves to the copious feast, without contributing to the bounty themselves. These folks talk the loudest and have food stains on their shirts.

The timid eaters: These people are always watching the tables from the corner of their eye, and when no one is paying attention, they scurry like a little mouse to the table, get food real fast, and then run back to their desks and eat quietly without making eye contact with anyone at anytime.

I fit into the grazer/picker category. I’ve brought a plate back to my desk once with a few goodies, and I’ve grabbed some tasty nuggets that caught my eye on my way back from the printer. I usually bring my lunch to work, but on food-day I decide not to, because there will be so much food. Then I get here and realize that there’s really nothing but dessert and meat. Since I’m not a meat-eater I end up full of crackers and cookies and chips and crap. I guess I just eat thing that start with C.